Hi blogger. No cryptic messages tonight.

It's odd. It's foreign. I thought I'd be accustomed to the back-and-forth. In a way I am. I said, "It gets easier every time," and mum seemed surprised. I regret this and I wish it was not happening but if we are not going to be together it has to be my way. There simply is not any other way. I am so disappointed because I know it is not my doing. When it is, I am in control and I can find the solution. Now I have to sit and watch from the outside. I cannot wait for you to decide when you can handle being together; it is impossible.

I am not giving up; not now. I trusted you. I still do, I think. It just gets harder after everything comes crashing down in predictable cycles.

I truly know four things:

1. I love you, Lauren, and I could not stop if I tried.
2. It is never as easy after the first time, but I worked and fought and suffered for it and I will not be looked down upon for it.
3. My emotional well-being is more important than you, and I hope you understand.
4. There is one outcome of many that would bring me happiness and whether or not we arrive there is no longer within my influence.

I do not know when this will end and I do not know how it will end, but I do know that until it does thing will be very difficult. I will endure, and I will be better for it.

Hurricane

So here I am. There you are. I wish I could focus on one emotion instead of having them jockey for my attention. The same thing always happens: some internal switch is flipped and all are thrown unceremoniously into some dark corner. I am an impenetrable piece of paper; paradoxically opaque from the outside and intimately susceptible to the changes taking place. My mind will protect me from you, but its your job to fix what you have left weakened and cracked. So strange it seems - like hiring an arsonist to rebuild what she has left charred and smoldering.

I'm sorry for my melodrama.

I won't promise you anything. You might be making a mistake, and I might be letting you. Honestly, you should be flattered. It's still worth taking the chance. Imagine if this works! What else can compare?

You're the finest thing that I've done, the Hurricane I'll never outrun.

Benefit of the Doubt

Its a strange thing indeed to keep finding myself in these situations that I used to know the easy, pragmatic answers to. Once upon a time, I would not believe a word of it; now I know the respect of silence is deserved.

It just goes against everything I once stood for. Then again, I guess I only stood for myself.

Selflessness takes some getting used to.

P.S. I've been hearing the word pretentious a lot lately. Directed at me. It makes me giggle. So true, so true. 'Tis a sign me thinks.

Old

Since I have nothing original to write at the moment and I don't want to leave this empty after creation, I'll take from my notebook and throw up a bit of old writing. Pardon the slightly depressing overtone of the first paragraph. This did not exactly come from my happiest mood.

Thurs, Oct 30 21:19
The faux-seclusion of the city is romanticized in my mind. On these streets, many people see me. Their eyes never meet mine - I am an object to be avoided. I become that object people see me as. My identity is erased. I find solace and comfort in the lack of embrace this city gives me. Neglect is the true escapism.

As I listen to the songs of the different performers along the river, I try to imagine their stories. A man and his two sons sing "Amazing Grace." Does the mother have dinner waiting on them when they walk home from the bus station? I can only imagine the best for these people. Is it because they find such happiness in what they do? The old man in the second-hand clothing singing along to upbeat music from his friend with the acoustic guitar. How does he respond when you ask how he is doing? He can't complain. Can I?
~21:33