Hi blogger. No cryptic messages tonight.

It's odd. It's foreign. I thought I'd be accustomed to the back-and-forth. In a way I am. I said, "It gets easier every time," and mum seemed surprised. I regret this and I wish it was not happening but if we are not going to be together it has to be my way. There simply is not any other way. I am so disappointed because I know it is not my doing. When it is, I am in control and I can find the solution. Now I have to sit and watch from the outside. I cannot wait for you to decide when you can handle being together; it is impossible.

I am not giving up; not now. I trusted you. I still do, I think. It just gets harder after everything comes crashing down in predictable cycles.

I truly know four things:

1. I love you, Lauren, and I could not stop if I tried.
2. It is never as easy after the first time, but I worked and fought and suffered for it and I will not be looked down upon for it.
3. My emotional well-being is more important than you, and I hope you understand.
4. There is one outcome of many that would bring me happiness and whether or not we arrive there is no longer within my influence.

I do not know when this will end and I do not know how it will end, but I do know that until it does thing will be very difficult. I will endure, and I will be better for it.