Hi blogger. No cryptic messages tonight.

It's odd. It's foreign. I thought I'd be accustomed to the back-and-forth. In a way I am. I said, "It gets easier every time," and mum seemed surprised. I regret this and I wish it was not happening but if we are not going to be together it has to be my way. There simply is not any other way. I am so disappointed because I know it is not my doing. When it is, I am in control and I can find the solution. Now I have to sit and watch from the outside. I cannot wait for you to decide when you can handle being together; it is impossible.

I am not giving up; not now. I trusted you. I still do, I think. It just gets harder after everything comes crashing down in predictable cycles.

I truly know four things:

1. I love you, Lauren, and I could not stop if I tried.
2. It is never as easy after the first time, but I worked and fought and suffered for it and I will not be looked down upon for it.
3. My emotional well-being is more important than you, and I hope you understand.
4. There is one outcome of many that would bring me happiness and whether or not we arrive there is no longer within my influence.

I do not know when this will end and I do not know how it will end, but I do know that until it does thing will be very difficult. I will endure, and I will be better for it.

Hurricane

So here I am. There you are. I wish I could focus on one emotion instead of having them jockey for my attention. The same thing always happens: some internal switch is flipped and all are thrown unceremoniously into some dark corner. I am an impenetrable piece of paper; paradoxically opaque from the outside and intimately susceptible to the changes taking place. My mind will protect me from you, but its your job to fix what you have left weakened and cracked. So strange it seems - like hiring an arsonist to rebuild what she has left charred and smoldering.

I'm sorry for my melodrama.

I won't promise you anything. You might be making a mistake, and I might be letting you. Honestly, you should be flattered. It's still worth taking the chance. Imagine if this works! What else can compare?

You're the finest thing that I've done, the Hurricane I'll never outrun.